The News Hasn’t Happened Yet | #3: UP

The News Hasn’t Happened Yet | #3: UP


A pigeon has flown into the International Space Station.
No, it hasn’t. Space Station doesn’t exist.
Space doesn’t exist!
Space does exist, according to a new survey.
If space exists, yeah…
How come I can’t see it?
[Reporter] You can. You just look up.
[Helen] “Up”?
What does that mean?
Did you see that?
They are brainwashing people with jargon.
“Up” is a creation of the Globalist Paedophile Network!
Did you see that?
That is a fake truth seeker right there,
aiming to discredit our message!
What is “up” and where can we find it?
3.8972 hexadromical sub degrees,
perpendicular to the trajectical Nip Tomita axis,
relative to 3.4x and-
Maths, is wrong.
And it always has been. [applause]
But hold on a minute, if maths is wrong,
then shouldn’t we all|l| be¿?
A study shows everything is
worse than it ever has been.
A study shows you are happy all of the time
Nothing will ever be good again.
Depression is worse than ever!
People are now happier than they’ve ever been.
Music and jokes are no longer any good, say experts.
[Bell toll]
Three new species of birds
have been discovered nesting on the moon.
The moon doesn’t exist! It’s just the Earth’s reflection!
Birds don’t exist! They’re just tiny dragons!
Reflections don’t exist! They’re just an illusion! [Applause]
Life is an illusion caused by death.
But how does this affect the economy?
The economy now can only go down,
since up was banned.
The recent ban on up is causing chaos at airports.
…result of new directional restrictions,
air transport is now limited to ground use only.
Listen, right.
We just need to put a hold on up…
Until we can figure out what the bloody hell’s going on.
[Gunshots]
[Bird cries]
[Gunshots]
[Cheering]
The president didn’t say that,
the headline was fabricated,
Birds don’t exist and neither does the moon.
The economy is doing better than ever,
and YOU ARE HAPPY!
YOU ARE HAPPY!!!
YOU…ARE HAPPY!!!!!!
If you don’t believe that inter-dimensional moon rabbits took control of the economy,
when Goldman Sachs was re-magnetized,
then you’re dumber than a space lizard!
Some of tonight’s news was entirely untrue.
But what are you gonna do?
[Reporter] What are you gonna do?
[Man] Ehm…
I’ll probably go to bed.
And then I’ll get up tomorrow.
And I’ll have breakfast.
Um, well, I might take a few selfies.
And then just have a little cry.
Murdering.
I’ll go out murdering…
And then I’ll come home.
And I’ll have…
Beans on toast.

100 thoughts to “The News Hasn’t Happened Yet | #3: UP”

  1. 0:20 Again just caught that I fell like evry one of your prices of work features salad fingers in a way and I haven't noticed until now

  2. This series as well as 'Cream' is even better than going to bed, getting up tomorrow, having breakfast, taking a few selfies after going out murdering and then having beans on toast.

  3. Which is more racist: not having black people in your videos, or pasting your face a black persons face and impersonating them? Genuinely curious, I stopped listening to Klink so that I could ask this question. Thanks

  4. Well looks like I'm gonna have to get into this yt channel. I used to love your stuff on newgrounds 15 years ago and now you're still kickin' with quality content! how about that!

  5. This is one of my absolute favourite series you've ever created because it's just so uncomfortably accuratr to how the media actually works. I would love to see more in the future.

  6. You never had an erection in your life. All the sex you had was an illusion since you can't get it UP.

  7. birds don’t exist they’re just tiny dragons
    Me:then why doesn’t it breath fire and eat humans

  8. iF ʏᴏᴜ ᴅOnᴛ ʙᴇʟɪᴇVᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪɴᴛEʀᴅɪᴍᴇɴsɪᴏɴᴀʟ Mᴏᴏɴ rᴀʙʙɪᴛs ᴛᴏᴏᴋ CONTROL of ᴛʜᴇ Eᴄᴏɴᴏᴍʏ ᴡʜᴇɴ ɢᴏʟᴅᴍᴀN sᴀᴄʜs ᴡᴀs ʀᴇᴍᴀɢɴᴇᴛɪᴢᴇᴅ, Tʜᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴅᴜᴍʙᴇʀ ᴛʜᴀɴ A sᴘᴀᴄᴇ LIZᴀʀᴅ!

  9. I hate the news right now and how misleading it can all be and wanting your money instead of giving you information.

  10. What are you gonna do?
    Me: Murdering, Ill go out Murdering and then ill come home and have beans on toast

  11. Wow. The more of your stuff I watch the more respect I have for you. Keep up the good work! Or… maybe keep down the good work? 🙂

  12. A survey shows that three surveys show that a survey shows that the David Firth channel doesn’t exist and that the surveys saying that are fake

  13. Just the whole concept of “up” being banned is so hilarious to me. Really good video like lays though.

  14. Nothing exists except the one person reading this. So go ahead and do that one thing you were thinking about doing. It's all in your head anyway.

  15. The right doesn't say a bunch of dumb sh't tho. (Most of the time of course) You just can't make sense of it and freak out. Which is understandable. These are not easy topics and most people participating don't know what the hell they're talking about. (The left mostly, normies too)

  16. i had 2 rewatch this after that kinda bogus conspiracy theory about us being in a fancier simulation than we thought lmao

  17. Бля ни одного русского чтобы обсудить 🙁
    Ариадна Андреева в вк ава трехглавый пес

  18. I love how after 3 minutes of a pure madness the guy admits "some of tonights' news was entire untrue" and then "what are you going to do about it?", and then it cuts to regular people just being stumped. There's nothing you can do, that's just how the world is now. Just take a selfie and eat your beans on toast.

  19. Mr Firth I officially hold you responsible for me trying beans on toast one day. I don't know when because when hasn't been invented yet. Miguel Alcubierre will probably invent it though. One day.

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