So Much News, So Little Time – Rudy Giuliani’s Collusion Comments & Michael Cohen | The Daily Show

So Much News, So Little Time – Rudy Giuliani’s Collusion Comments & Michael Cohen | The Daily Show

Look, guys,
I’m not gonna lie,
there is just
too much news today.
How much news is there?
What’s that?
Well, there’s so much news
that we don’t have enough time
for it.
Luckily, not enough time is just
enough time for our segment
Ain’t Nobody Got Time
for That.
(cheers and applause)
It’s the big question
about the Trump campaign
and Russia.
But one place where there’s
definitely no collusion
is between Rudy Giuliani’s brain
and his mouth.
In a new interview,
the president’s personal
attorney, Rudy Giuliani,
says he cannot say if Trump
campaign officials colluded
with Russia during
the 2016 campaign.
False reporting is saying
that there has been
no suggestion of any kind
of collusion
between the campaign
and any Russians.
Well, you just misstated
my position.
I never said
there was no collusion
between the campaign or between
people in the campaign.
-Yes, you have. -I have
no idea if– I have not.
-You… -I said the president
of the United States.
Wait. Wait.
Hold on. Hold on.
Did Giuliani just admit
that there was collusion?
-I-I think he did.
-(audience reacting)
And look at their faces.
Like, neither of them can
believe what just happened.
Like, like, Cuomo looks like
a valedictorian caveman,
and Giuliani looks like
if Gollum realized
he just left his wallet
in an Uber.
He’s just like,
“My precious.”
So after months of saying
there’s no collusion,
now Giuliani is saying
there might be collusion,
not by Trump,
but by Trump’s campaign.
And I’ll be honest,
I don’t know why Trump
keeps letting Giuliani go on TV
to represent him.
Like, ’cause it feels like
every time he goes on,
he just causes more trouble,
unless that’s the point.
Maybe the master plan is to keep
creating so many new scandals
that Robert Mueller can never
finish his investigation.
Yeah, every time Mueller’s like,
“Well, I’m just about ready
to wrap this thing up,”
Giuliani’s like,
“I hope no one finds out
that Vladimir Putin
is secretly Trump’s father.”
Then Mueller’s like,
“Ah, two more years.
Two more years.”
Now, look, we could spend
all day playing you clips
of Trump denying that there was
any collusion whatsoever,
but we don’t have the time
to enjoy busting Trump.
Because another one
of his minions
has been busted
for some other shady shit.
Breaking news on these two
bombshell reports.
President Trump, uh, first,
his former fixer
and personal attorney,
Michael Cohen,
just admitted to paying
to manipulate polling data
before the 2016
presidential election.
Now, according to
The Wall Street Journal,
Cohen paid using a Walmart bag
full of cash.
That could break campaign
finance laws.
And Cohen says he did this
at the direction
and for the sole benefit of the
president of the United States.
A Walmart bag full of cash?
This is such a strange story.
And it’s crazy
that Michael Cohen
was rigging polls for Trump
while Trump
was out there complaining
that the polls were rigged.
You realize this is proof again
that whenever Trump accuses
anyone of doing something wrong,
he’s actually just talking
about himself.
He’s like, (mimics Trump):
“The polls are rigged, folks.
“And, also,
Hillary’s very disappointed
that her sons look
like pervy vampires.”
(normal voice): And, now, look,
on a normal day,
on a normal day, we would spend
forever on the idiots
that worked for the Trump
campaign, but there’s no time,
because it turns out that we
all may be the real idiots.
You know that,
the-the ten-year challenge?
Yeah? You know
that thing online? Yes.
Well, it turns out that tech
companies could now use this
to enhance their facial
recognition technology.
Yeah. We’ve basically helped
the robots track us.
And you might think memes like
the ten-year challenge
and the Twinning app
are cute and fun,
but it turns out there’s
a real sinister side to them.
And, please, trust me, I know.
The twinning… You’re familiar
with this whole
twinning thing, right?
You put your face on there,
and then it finds
-a celebrity that you look
most like. -Oh, yes.
-So, they did us, too,
apparently. -They did us?
They did us.
And it kind of ranks it
-Oh, I’m nervous.
-Okay. -Chuckster… Chuckster’s
up first here on PopSugar.
-79% say you look like
Charles Barkley. -That’s funny.
-Trevor Noah. -No, you don’t
look like Trevor. -No, no.
-Ernie. Marco Rubio.
-Marco Rubio.
You look, like, more Marco Rubio
than yourself.
-Trevor Noah?
-We both look like Trevor Noah.
Okay, what?
This is just ridic… I know
I’m half black, half white,
but this is ridiculous.
This is…
Like, according to this app,
I’m the love child
of Charles Barkley
and that white dude’s bow tie.
I don’t even understand
what this is.
Do you understand what a
disaster this is for me, right?
You realize that robots think
that I look like everyone.
That means in the future,
I will get arrested
for everyone else’s crimes.
And it also means that I can
never date a robot, all right?
Yeah, ’cause I’ll be like,
“I can’t believe
you cheated on me
with Charles Barkley.”
And the robot will be like,
“I was 59% sure
it was you, baby.
“To make it up to you,
you can put it
in my other socket tonight.”
Oh, and speaking
of look-alikes–
the USB port–
and speaking of look-alikes,
it turns out Canadian
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau,
he might want to ask his dad
if he ever made a secret trip
to Afghanistan.
Canada’s prime minister
Justin Trudeau has a look-alike,
and it took a talent show
halfway around the world
to find him.
Just so you know, Trudeau,
he’s the one on the left.
On the right is Abdul Maftoon.
He’s a wedding singer
in Afghanistan.
And, uh, here he is in action.
(singing in foreign language)
Okay, this-this is…
this is just weird.
All right, on the one hand,
I’m 50% certain that
that is not Justin Trudeau.
But, on the other hand,
after he took that trip to India
and basically became Indian,
you can never be sure anymore.
And you know what?
We can actually find out
for sure if it’s him.
All we have to do
is put the Afghan singer
into the face match app,
and we see if there’s a match…
Oh, goddamn it, man! Come on!
Now, look, I’m not gonna lie,
it would be great
to mess around
with who looks like who
and talk more about the problems
technology is creating,
but we don’t have the time
because it turns out
that Big Tech
is also solving them.
Microsoft is pledging
some big money
to tackle homelessness
in Seattle.
Microsoft announced
a $500 million commitment
to preserve
existing affordable housing
and spur construction
of new units.
$25 million of that will go
toward philanthropic grants
to address homelessness
in the area.
Yes, it turns out
the mega corporation
that brought us Windows
has now decided to add doors
and roofs, as well.
-(cheering and applause)
But seriously,
kudos to Microsoft
for stepping up to help people
struggling with housing.
Right, at the same time,
you also know
that the system is broken
when corporations
have to step in
and do the government’s job,
you know?
Like, corporations
are basically like,
“Uh, we’re winning too hard.”
You know what this is like?
It’s like in Monopoly, right?
I do this
when I’ll be crushing so hard
that I just start
giving people money.
I’ll just be like,
“Ah, here, $200 for everyone.
$200, $200, $200.”
Yeah, ’cause it’s not fun
if everyone around me’s in jail.

100 thoughts to “So Much News, So Little Time – Rudy Giuliani’s Collusion Comments & Michael Cohen | The Daily Show”

  1. Well, Trevor, remember that, Trump is the first one who tries to tap into the business became doing goverment jobs thingy.

  2. Trump Derangement Syndrome has infected the media and Dumbasses like this little trevor dude so bad that they have no idea on how Desperate they appear and how Stupid they sound. Trump 2020 Pence 2024 MAGA

  3. Meanwhile, Cohen decided to be "patriotic" with the Walmart bag while committing a crime. God Bless America I suppose. Even when you're committing a crime but "supporting an American company". Most citizens can barely afford to shop out of Walmart, yet the government shutdown continues.

  4. I look forward to watching Trevor's commentary every night. Thank you for making this political/economical struggle less of a nightmare.

  5. TRIMP'S REALITY CIRCUS in the USA, and because of the "BREXIT" controversy, the "MONTY PYTHON'S CIRCUS" Returns in the U.K. LMAO!!!!

  6. Giuliani is to Trump's staff what Tom Holland is to Marvel. They keep letting him talk to reporters, and he always leaks things they don't want people to know.

  7. I'm guessing Trevor doesn't know Pierre Trudeau is dead… otherwise, good joke though that guy does look a bit like Trudeau in the video (not the picture lol).

  8. it's all jokes now but this is it, this is the start to our dystopian future, the corporations will own us all in the near future, just think about every movie you've ever seen where the world is controlled by mega corporations with private armies and their own rules that they can change when ever they want. Trump is only the beginning, a trial run to see how easy it is for a con artist business man to wrestle government power away from the people. At least a government was built on principles of morality a corporation is built on foundations of greed.

  9. Did I hear that right? Microsoft pledged $500 million to help homelessness in Seattle, and only $25 million of it went to homelessness in Seattle? What happened to the other $475 million?!

  10. Any of those online quizzes, or anything that take your picture, are being used to help better facial recognition technology. This has been widely known in the InfoSec community for *years*, including people having evidence. We almost always know years before everyone else. Americans are to trusting of their government and of corporations.

    We knew PRISM existed in like 2008 and suspected something like PRISM existed or was in the process of being created after 9/11.

    Its honestly very predictable, but people are too stupid or ignorant to care.

  11. It OK Trevor, it just means your "The Universal Man"! U, n i, vers: all "the manly men" that try to keep a glass ceiling on women's wages below men's, while walking around like the 2nd water cooler should still be there.

  12. Maftoon looks more like John Oliver on meth than he looks like Trudeau. Trudeau on the other hand looks like Tucker Carlson if he became gym bros with Paul Ryan about 6 weeks ago.

  13. 3:05 time is up Hillary we know its you behind that orange face mask so its time for you to give up and undress as Donald Trump.

  14. Knowing that Trump's a grifter, he's more likely expecting billions in
    kickbacks from construction contracts. Just like he's lifted sanctions
    on his Russian aluminum oligarchs, while imposing tariffs on Canada and
    Mexico. Classic!

  15. I hate politics. Nobody cares about ethics. People only care about ethics when it can be used to attack their poltical opponents. So unless you hold your own side to the same standard don't act like you care about ethics.

  16. Hello Daily Show, am a NYer and this segment was hard to take for the mayor of the city in the 90s. How are you now in NY if you are. Help is needed and he helped then even if Manhattan only seems like then. Please try to understand how he was before. Your setting here may be your voice now but not our voice from then or now. elle for aid

  17. No hate but LaVar Ball would have destroyed cuomo. Hopefully the agent orange does not get him as his next attorney

  18. "I'm the lovechild of Charles Barkley and that one white dude's bowtie"

    That's NBA on TNT legend Ernie Johnson to you, Trevor.

  19. Q: How do we know that Trump was behind it?

    A: The guy who got the bag of cash got stiffed out of most of what he was owed.

  20. Sign a pettition ? Why asshole there is no impeachable offense other than your homosexual hateful despise of a great President just because you are sorry fucken losers!! And you comedians that aren't funny are in full force again! It won't work America is to smart for your lies and twisted biast truth!

  21. Remember Michael Cohen lawyer is Lanny Davis and he is Hillary Clinton's longtime Fix-It man. So you know Michael Cohen is only saying what Hillary Clinton wants him to say.

  22. This is so sad the President is going to jail the Feds said the day he is not President its over for him. He is going to jail for Racketeering and treason. People think what he stands for is being a good American he Satan in a Walmart suit. PLEASE INVITE ME TO YOUR SHOW I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. Donald Trump is the worst President i ever seen in my 55 years. NIXON stole from the American people i have more respect for him then i do Trump.

  23. This is a joke I just read in a CNN comment : Donald Trump went to visit elementary school students. They were discussing the meaning of the word "Tragedy" and the teacher asked the President if he would like to join in.

    The President said ok kids who can give me the meaning of the word tragedy?
    A little boy raised his hand and answered, If my best friend got killed by a runaway tractor on his farm, that would be a Tragedy.

    The President answered and said no that would be an accident. Anyone else?

    A little girl raised her hand and answered, If a school bus full of kids ran off a cliff and killed everyone, that would be a Tragedy.

    President responded nope, sorry that is what we call a great loss.

    The room became silent as the President looked around at the kids and then said, Isn't there anyone who can tell me what the word "Tragedy" means?!

    Little Johnny stood up and said, If Air Force One was carrying You and it was blown to smithereens by a missle, That would be a Tragedy.

    Donald Trump responded, Yes,Yes your Right and can you tell me Why that would be a Tragedy?

    Little Johnny said, well it sure as he** wouldn't be a great loss and I doubt it would be an accident!

  24. that ugly and old sow Pelosi won't let President Trump's state of the union address in the PEOPLE'S House and which is not her House, BFD, until Woody "God-only-had-ten" Wilson did a grandstanding move that became tradition, presidents wrote letters with the state of the union message…… SPOILER ALERT: The 12th amendment says President Trump won, period, end of story! And, I don't like it when those people try to disenfranchise me, 62million of us are waiting for 2020 and it's getting here sooner not later!

  25. PRESIDENT CAMACHO : Number 1: We've got this guy, Not Sure. Number 2: He's got a higher IQ than ANY MAN ALIVE. and Number 3: He's going to fix EVERYTHING.

  26. Collusion or not. That's not a crime. Everything Hillary has done is a crime. Funding the fake dossier(collusion), selling uranium to russia (collusion), embezzling all the Haiti relief money, bengazi…..its endless.

  27. Microsoft didn’t bring us windows, Apple brought us windows, and Microsoft copied it and pasted it over DOS. Then they brought us that.

  28. Ever since he said the polls were rigged, and THEN won the election, I’ve been asking if he was still going to investigate the matter. Of course he wouldn’t. He is too twisted for color tv.

  29. The future stage of the economy will have to be set by major corporations, that’s where most of the money is going. In order to get our hard earned dollars back the major corporations will have to invest it back into the economy, then the government should follow.

  30. Trump and Giuliani keep creating new scandals that Robert Mueller can't finish his investigation.
    That's kind of brilliant.

  31. We are missing children that were taken at the border. Trump accused Hillary of
    running a child pornography ring. Could this also be a projection?

  32. Thanks Microsoft for finally addressing the problem you caused by pricing everyone out of the area and making it impossible to live in the PNW.

  33. It funny that all you hear collusion after collusion come from the President Trump and Trevor know the all the corruptions come from the democrats. This show really suck.

  34. Oh my family does that in Monopoly but its not becase their nice. It is the highest form of insult when a family memeber gives you money in that game. Maby its just my family beacsue we are way to competitive. I tackled my brother one because he cheated in battleships… my family has problems…

  35. Some Canadians suspect Fidel Castro is Trudeau's father; but I have matched his face against his actual father Pierre, and there's quite a resemblance in smile, teeth, nose and lower jaw.

  36. Now do the Mueller Report and your "Savior of the Republic" Michael Avenatti being arrested on Federal Charges in LA and NYC. 😂😂

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