and red welts. Scientists hope to have a cure
by 2017. And that’s our broadcast
for the evening. Very quickly,
I’d like to say today was my last day
here at Your 7 News. I want to thank
all my colleagues here and the community that
watches us here every day. You have made my stay
in this city much brighter, and I thank you for it. -Ohh. We’ll miss you, buddy.
-We love you. Thank you so much,
Bruce. But before we let you go,
our producer, Mitch, has put together
a little collection of all of our fun moments
over the past few years and, from what I hear,
a few epic fails. -Ohh!
-Uh-oh! Am I saying it right? -Trouble!
-A few epic fails? Don’t ask me.
I’m not even on Twitter. [ Laughter ] Well, we’ve enjoyed working with
you and wish you all the best. -Aww, thank you.
-Let’s take a look. The fire started in my bottom —
pardon me — in the bottom of the building. The fire department [Chuckles]
says they are investigating — not my bottom, of course. I’m Hector Ramirez — [ Horn honks ] Man: You suck, Hector! [Bleep] As you can see, traffic
is finally starting to move on the on– [Bleep] Historians say that
Daylight Savings Time began as a way to give farmers more
time to work in their fields. [ Scoffs ] I’m so sorry.
That is not for this story. [ Chuckles ] Not sure what that is.
It looks like a — Oh! It’s the penis of a whale. [ Bird cawing ] Neighbors want answers
from the city. Wow, that is a lot of bird poop. …but are they safe? Tonight at 11:00,
we take a loo– Oof! You can see people are — [ Horn honks ] [Bleep] you! This is why I hate this town!
I hate this city! [ Laughter ] Well, it’s been a real joy
looking back. Hector,
you have a temper. Well, you try
working out there. Honk! Honk! Honk! [ Laughter ] Well, thanks to our
longtime producer, Mitch, for reminding us
that no one is perfect. Thanks for watching. Hold on, Bruce.
Mitch is saying there’s more. -Really?
-Oh. All right.
Here we go, dawg. Here we go, Bruce.
First day. Big day.
Big day. Get in the zone, dawg.
You da man. You da man. You gonna do it.
You gonna show them what for. [ Grunting ] -Um…Bruce.
-Take it. Take it! -Take —
-Bruce, we are live. Good evening. I’d like to welcome our newest
member of our team, Bruce. I’m Bruce. It’s my first day,
and I like — Good morning,
and also to my lovely wife. Liz. -Donna.
-Donna. All of these rabbits are
on our website for adoption. [ Urine splashing ] Oh! -Uh-oh.
-Uh-oh. [ Chuckles ]
-[ Laughs ] Maybe I should join the party
and — and pee on you, too. Let’s take a look outside
right now — Whoops! That’s the wrong footage. The miracle of life. [ Stomach gurgling ] Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. -What’s up?
-Uh-oh. I, um…a tiny — I have
a B.M. situation in my pants. -A what?
-I — A poop.
I pooped. I-I pooped. -Ohh.
-I pooped in my pants. Um, it’s okay.
I-I think I can get through it. I can get through it.
It’s okay. No, I can’t! Man: In five, four,
three, two… Well, the circus
is back in town, and… I think
Bruce likes you. Ew, gross. Word of advice.
Don’t sleep with him. I tried that. He kept asking me
to pee on him. Hey, Christina Sanchez. I got some breaking news
for you. Yeah, how do you like that? Huh? You gonna [bleep] You want to [bleep] [ Grunts, sobbing ] Mitch,
what are you doing? I-I don’t get it. Oh, Mitch is saying
there’s more. Mitch?
What’s going on? And now to sports
with Stuart, who is filling in
for Chip tonight. Wow. Uh, okay.
There’s a bunch of people. There’s a ball.
Uh… They’re all in shorts,
and it’s being passed. And then — Okay
[ Chuckles nervously ] He pa– He passed again back. And then the other team,
uh, took it for a while. Whamsies!
A goal, I think? [ Snorts, gulps ] Sorry. Wow!
That was awful! [ Laughter ] Great job, Stuart. Have you ever seen
a soccer game? Thank God that Chip
is gonna be back here on Monday. Am I right? [ Laughter ] There are only — Ow! Ow! Damn it!
Damn it! Ow! Why are these corners
so [bleep] sharp? Make it look
like an accident. Everybody knows I deserve a shot
at that sports desk. I can’t kill Chip!
He’s my best friend. Oh, my God.
That’s a lot of money. How’d you get
this much money? Don’t worry about it. [ Rustling ] What’s that? It’s a plant, Bruce. Just focus
on murdering Chip. How much
will your water bill go up? Right now, the DWP isn’t say– [ Bleats ] Ma’am, I’m sorry.
One — Tonight at 11:00,
we’ll have part two of Christina’s exclusive story
on tranquilizer– What are you
talking about? Erotic asphyxiation is
the perfect cover for a murder. How would we
even do that? Okay.
First things first. Chip will need
to have a boner. So we’re gonna need to slip
some boner pills into his drink. And then once his dick is hard,
we take a rope, we get it around his neck,
we choke him to death. Bruce: Oh, wow!
[ Chuckles nervously ] We — We were just
kidding around. How did you get that footage,
Mitch? Yeah, we were kidding around.
Mitch, what are you doing? Mitch, stop, please. Mitch! God damn it, Mitch! Tonight, with heavy hearts, we
want to acknowledge the passing of our dear friend and colleague
Chip Swarther. Chip, as you know, covered
sports here at Team Your 7 News for the past 25 years. Such a professional. Such a great guy. Such a tragedy.
[ Inhales deeply ] [ Sighs ]
We’ll be right back after a word
from Snap Happy Cakes. [ Bell rings ] Man: And we are clear. We still live? What’s the deal, man?
You trying to get us caught? Be cool. I am cool. -You’re not cool.
-I’m cool. You’re not cool, Bruce.
You’re giving it away. -Don’t push me.
-I’ll bury you. I’ll bury you
with a dead hooker. What?
What’d you say to me? I said I have a bag of lime
and a shovel. [ Bell rings ] Man: And we’re clear. I have a new aftershave.
It’s called “Come to me.” All right.
I’m leaving. [Bleep] you! What about wood chippers? Do you have large vats of acid,
by any chance? Man: I’m sorry, sir,
no, we do not. Okay. [ Sighs ]
Um, what about, uh… Where would somebody find
a large pack of dogs that would eat flesh? Hungry for flesh? [ Speaking
indistinctly ] What’s their number? I just hate to see someone
go out like that. Why?
What’d you hear? Well, you know, I wonder
if he was really doing the whole belt around the neck,
choking himself, whacking off
at the same time. Or was he just trying
to hang himself? Ah.
No idea. -Yeah.
-No idea. But, man, I just —
I wish I knew. I wish I could ask him. I wish we could, like,
go back in time, and I’d run into the room,
and I’d go, “Rick, stop it, man. Rick, stop it.
But before you do… Does that feel good?” Bruce: Oh.
These are not bloopers. Mitch, think about
what you’re doing. Please stop. Well, I happen to have a lot
of cash to invest right now. But I have to make sure
that it’s not gonna
be traced back to me. Okay. All right, so, these are very
realistic-looking whale penises? If I were to get hit
in the face, I would say, “Wow! I know that’s
a whale penis”? Right now, at least —
[ Mutters ] Right now, scientists
can all agree that — [ Grunting ] Ri– “Dear Bruce, I know
what you did last summer.” [ Gasps ] [ Bees buzzing ] Got some bees here. [Bleep] Aah! Aah! Look, I did it once.
I’m not gonna do it again. You’re doing it again,
These necklaces are selling. You want to get rich,
don’t you? I — Did I have any idea there’d be a market
for finger necklaces? No!
But I went with it. ‘Cause that’s what people
that get rich do. [ Sobbing ]
Ugh! Smells like dead body. This car is ruined. [ Sobs, gags ] Now stop it.
Seriously. This is my last day. This is supposed to be
about me in a good way. You know,
wacky bloopers! Hey.
Hey, Karl. I don’t know
if you’re interested. I, uh — I got a line on some
artificial whale penises. Very realistic. Karl. [ Grunting ] Shh! Good night. [ Telephone rings ] [ Clears throat ]
Stuart speaking. …prices will continue to sky– [ Grunting, moaning ] Hey, hold this. I told you to get the [bleep]
out of here! I told you to be quiet,
get out of here! [ Grunts ] No! Hey! Oomph!
Not the nuts, not the nuts! You got to come
get this thing, man. -It’s stinking up my trunk.
-What? No way. My wife said she smelled it
in the car. Then you should kill her. What, are you crazy?
Are you out of your mind? We could use her blood
for the ceremony. Both: [ Chanting ]
Oh. Sorom. Provinasc. Dominai. Oh. Sorom.
Provinasc. Dominai. Oh — Stop tape!
Cut the goddamn tape! Why are you doing this
to me? I just don’t get why you
would show that on TV! From a legal standpoint! And some of it
wasn’t even news footage! We love you, buddy. Yeah, we love —
we love you so much. -Love you, Bruce.
-Good luck, man. I don’t need
your sympathy! I did not kill Chip. He jerked himself off
to death. [Bleep] off, everybody! Man: Great job!
We are clear. [ Fireworks exploding ] As prices for retirement homes
continue — Eh!
[ Clears throat ] Whoops. There’s a stick.
[ Chuckles ] [ Vocalizing ] [ Horns honking ] I love you, baby. Yes I — [ Urine splashing ] -Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
-Oopsie! He is having
an accident. [ Laughs ] This is Stuart Hernandez —
Curb! Stuart Hernandez, Your 7 News.