Tonight: climate change.
Every scientist says we’re making things worse,
but some people are like “Nuh-uh!
Wasn’t us! Didn’t do it! *fart noise*”
The debate rages on.
Real Estate. With sea levels rising,
we’ll tell you which flyover states
are about to have prime beachfront property.
Everyone knows they’re cool, but one California crematorium owner
says they’re driving him out of business.
All of this and more on tonight’s News To Me.
When nature asserts its dominance and callously destroys mankind for his hubris,
well, that’s news to me.
Good evening America, I’m Chip Chapley.
In extreme weather news,
Hurricane “Poopoo Pants” has been upgraded to a Category 4 storm
and continues to decimate the coast.
A spokesperson for the National Weather Service said,
“We’ll never let an elementary school hold a contest
to name a hurricane ever again.”
Authorities have urged everyone in the storm’s path
to seek shelter and under no circumstances stand out in an open area.
Now standing out in an open area
is field reporter Abby Babble.
Abby: Thanks, Chip. This is Abby Babble,
live on the scene with-
Chip: What’s that, Abby? Speak up.
Abby: I said I am live on the scene, Chip!
Things are bad out here, and getting worse. I can’t even-
Chip: I’m sorry, Abby. I can’t hear you.
Can you try projecting from your diaphragm like this?
*Static, then a steady tone*
Chip: That’s it Abby! Keep practicing, and we’ll check back with you later.
Some people don’t believe we’re the cause,
and some idiots don’t believe in it at all.
I’m joined now by one such idiot:
climate change denier Trent Coombs.
Trent, why don’t you believe in climate change?
Trent: You’ve got it wrong. Chip. I don’t believe in climate.
Chip: Climate. Like… climate?
Trent: Exactly, Chip! This whole thing’s a hoax!
Weather is a conspiracy
perpetrated by the Illuminati Council of Subterranean Lizard Men
who secretly run the one-world government.
Chip: Weather is a hoax.
Chip: Certainly you felt the wind blowing on the way into the studio Trent.
What do you think wind is?
Trent: Invisible holograms.
Chip: And rain?
Trent: Wet holograms.
Chip: Indulge me Trent. What do you think people make snowmen out of?
Trent: Snow is a mass hallucination brought on by the blue dye in mom jeans!
Chip, look at this model of the Earth.
See what happens when I pour “rain” on it?
I don’t see any flooding? Do you, Chip?
And what about this “wind”?
Oh, I guess that’s it for Earth!
We all got blown over!
You see how idiotic this is, right, Chip?
Chip: No, I see exactly how idiotic this is Trent.
Trent: Now to prove this “hoax game”
is nothing more than a government cover-up
to conceal the great Lizardman migration,
I will venture out into the “storm”.
*Trent gets impaled, cries out in pain*
Ugh… painful holograms.
Chip: This just in:
Hurricane Poopoo Pants has already
decimated some 500 homes and claimed 11 lives.
Authorities are urging that all citizens
make no attempt to venture out into the storm.
Now let’s check back with Abby Babble out in that storm.
Abby: Thanks, Chip. The waters continue to rise as-
Chip: Abby, is there anyone you can talk to you out there?
Anyone who can give us their perspective on the storm?
Abby: No! Chip…
(Struggling) Everyone evacuated.
wanted to be killed…
by hurricane Poopoo Pants.
Chip: Makes sense Abby.
You know, if they had called it something cool like
“Hurricane Awesome Flaming Death Skull”
I bet people would be lining up to die in it.
More after this.
Randy: Hi, I’m Randy Bambers from “Randy Bambers’
Gallon Jug of Clean Drinking Water”.
Did you forget to get clean drinking water before the storm?
I have a gallon jug of clean drinking water.
I already had plenty to drink earlier, so I don’t need it. It can be yours!
I’ll sell it to you, then you can drink it.
But you might say
“Randy, how much could something like this gallon jug of clean drinking water cost?
Yes, that’s right. Good guess. It’s $500.
So come on down Randy Bambers’ Gallon Jug of Clean Drinking Water today.
Give me $500, and I’ll give you the jug.
♫ Give me $500, and I’ll give you the jug! ♫
Chip: Welcome back, I’m Chip Chapley.
Let’s check in one last time with Abby Babble:
live on location in the storm.
Trent: See? Lizard people!
Chip: Great stuff Abby! Try to stay dry out there.
The earth. It’s our home.
Our big blue and green house.
*Electricity sparking, water dripping*
And based on the declining property value of that house,
we’re shitty homeowners.
Then again, maybe we don’t own the earth at all.
Maybe we’re just renters,
and the landlord almighty has just taped our eviction notice to the front door.
If you take an honest look
at how we took care of this place
and still think we’re getting our security deposit back,
well, that’s news to me.
*Glass breaking, building crumbling*
*Wind howling, thunder rumbling*
Chip Chapley here. This just in! If you’re enjoying News To Me on YouTube,
you could have even more News To Me on Facebook.
You can click the link in the description and become a fan of my Facebook page. I know I am.