Mike Bloomberg, With His Imperfect Record, Believes He Can Become President

Mike Bloomberg, With His Imperfect Record, Believes He Can Become President


WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO “THE
LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S THANKSGIVING EVE! I HOPE YOU HAVE ALL HUNG UP YOUR
STOCKINGS AND FILLED THEM WITH GRAVY. NOW, AS I’VE SAID, THANKSGIVING
IS TOMORROW. THANKSGIVING IS TOMORROW. IF YOU’RE TRAVELING TODAY, WE
WISH YOU A SAFE TRIP. BUT IT COULD BE A CROWDED ONE,
BECAUSE OVER THANKSGIVING, A RECORD 31.6 MILLION PASSENGERS
WILL TRAVEL ON U.S. AIRLINES, AND YOU’RE GONNA SEE ALL THEIR
FEET.( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT ON THE ARMREST, RIGHT THERE. BUT CHECK THE WEATHER, BECAUSE A
COUPLE OF BIG STORMS ARE EXPECTED TO BLAST THE WEST COAST
AND THE MIDWEST, AND KEY AIRPORT HUBS COULD SEE MAJOR DELAYS. BUT DO NOT WORRY. BECAUSE THERE’S NO REASON YOU
CAN’T HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD THANKSGIVING EATING “HUDSON
NEWS” ALMONDS WHILE CHARGING YOUR PHONE IN THE “PET RELIEF”
AREA. OKAY. YEAH.( APPLAUSE )
YOU GOTTA MAKE DO.>>Jon: COME ON!>>Stephen: LOVE THE ONE
YOU’RE WITH.>>Jon: YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT.>>Stephen: NOW, IF YOU’RE
PACKING, THERE’S GOOD NEWS: ACCORDING TO THE T.S.A., YOU CAN
BRING YOUR THANKSGIVING TURKEY ON AN AIRPLANE. JUST TELL THEM IT’S YOUR
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT MEAT.( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, YOU GOTTA GET THE VEST. YOU GOTTA GET THE LITTLE GOT TO
GET THE LITTLE VEST. AS FOR OTHER THANKSGIVING FOODS,
“PIE OR COOKIES ARE ALLOWED RIGHT IN YOUR CARRY-ON,” GRAVY
AND CRANBERRY SAUCE CAN GO IN YOUR CHECKED LUGGAGE,” AND CORN
PUDDING CAN GO DIRECTLY TO HELL.( LAUGHTER )
AND THIS THANKSGIVING, THERE ARE A BUNCH OF DEMOCRATS VYING FOR A
CHANCE TO CARVE UP THE WHITE HOUSE TURKEY. AND I’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT
IN TONIGHT’S “DOING IT DONKEY STYLE.”>>AMERICA IS BETTER THAN THIS!>>Stephen: KICK ‘EM, DONKS! THIS WEEK, THE DEMOCRATIC FIELD
PICKED UP YET ANOTHER CANDIDATE: BILLIONAIRE AND FORMER NEW YORK
MAYOR, MICHAEL BLOOMBERG. NOW, IF YOU DON’T LIVE IN NEW
YORK, YOU MAY NOT BE FAMILIAR WITH BLOOMBERG. ALSO, IF YOU DON’T LIVE IN NEW
YORK, YOU’VE NEVER SEEN A FULLY NAKED MAN SCREAMING AT A
DISCARDED TELEVISION ON YOUR WAY TO DROP OFF YOUR KID AT SCHOOL. BUT AS EVERY NEW YORKER KNOWS,
BLOOMBERG DOESN’T EXACTLY HAVE AN IMMACULATE TRACK RECORD. TAKE HIS STOP-AND-FRISK POLICY,
WHICH DISPROPORTIONATELY TARGETED BLACK AND LATINO MEN. NOW, THE MAYOR’S DEFENDERS WILL
REMIND YOU THAT BLOOMBERG IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZED THAT THIS
WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO AND APOLOGIZED FOR IT– A WEEK AGO.( LAUGHTER )
HE TOOK A LONG, HARD LOOK AT HIS PAST DECISIONS, DID SOME
AGONIZING RE-APPRAISAL, AND REALIZED THAT IN HIS HEART, HE’D
REALLY LIKE TO BE PRESIDENT. NOW BLOOMBERG HAS ALSO HIT SOME
BUMPS IT THE PAST WHEN IT COMES BUMPS IT THE PAST WHEN IT COMES
TO TALKING ABOUT WOMEN. SEE, HE GOT SUPER-RICH BY
SELLING A SPECIAL LINE OF COMPUTER TERMINALS TO STOCK
AND BACK IN THE 80s DURING THE SALES PITCH, HE CLAIMED THE
MACHINE WILL DO EVERYTHING, INCLUDING ORAL SEX, ADDING,
“I GUESS THAT PUTS A LOT OF YOU GIRLS OUT OF BUSINESS.” NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THAT’S JUST AN
AWFUL JOKE, AND HE DID NOT MEAN IT LITERALLY. BUT I’M GUESSING AT LEAST ONE
FINANCE BRO HAD TO FIND THAT OUT THE HARD WAY. ELSEWHERE, ELSEWHERE, ELSEWHERE
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, OUR OLD FAVORITES ARE DOING WHAT THEY DO
BEST: SHAKING THEIR MONEY-MAKERS. BERNIE WAS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE THIS
WEEKEND, AND HERE’S HOW HE STARTED HIS SPEECH.>>THE FIRST THING I’M GOING TO
DO IS TAKE OFF MY JACKET.>>Stephen: (AS BERNIE)
“THE SECOND THING I’M GOING TO DO IS PRESS PLAY ON THIS
BOOMED BOX AND ASK IF THE BACHELORETTE HAS BEEN A NAUGHTY,
NAUGHTY GIRL.” BUT IT WAS AT THE AFTER-PARTY
WHEN THINGS GOT REALLY EXCITING, BECAUSE BERNIE TOOK TO THE DANCE
FLOOR AND WAS TRULY ADORABLE. CHECK IT OUT. ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ THE WAY YOU DO THE THINGS YOU DO
THE WAY YOU DO THE THINGS DO ♪>>Stephen: BERNIE, JUST BECAUSE
YOU’VE HAD HEART TROUBLE, DOESN’T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO
MELT MINE.( LAUGHTER )
THEN– THEN, THERE’S NEWS FROM THE CAMPAIGN OF FORMER VICE
PRESIDENT AND MAN LEARNING THAT THE DINER DISTRIBUTE HAVE THE
SOUP HE LIKES, JOE BIDEN. BIDEN IS STILL LEADING BY DOUBLE
DIGITS, NATIONALLY, BUT HE HAS BEEN SLIPPING IN THE POLLS IN
IOWA. BUT HE’S TRYING TO GET BACK INTO
THE GAME. WE RECENTLY LEARNED THAT LAST
MONTH, BIDEN SAID THIS TO SUPPORTERS:
“I’M ASKING YOU TO TAKE A LOOK– I’M ASKING FOR YOUR HELP. COMMIT TO CAUCUSING FOR ME ON
FEBRUARY THE FOURTH.” ONLY PROBLEM. THE CAUCUSES ARE FEBRUARY THIRD. DOESN’T MATTER. DOESN’T MATTER. THAT’S FINE. WHAT MATTERS IS THE GENERAL
ELECTION, AND JOE BIDEN WANTS YOU TO VOTE ON NOVEMBER 35! YOU WALK INTO THAT VOTING BOOTH,
YOU IGNORE ALL THE BUTTONS WITH THE FLOOR NUMBERS. JUST SHOUT “JOE BIDEN” AT THE
CEILING UNTIL THE NICE FIREMAN COMES AND RESCUES YOU! NEXT UP– NEXT UP–
( APPLAUSE )
NEXT UP ON THE DONK STONK,
BILLIONAIRE FORMER HEDGE FUND MANAGER AND ARTIST EXPLAINING
THE SECRET BEHIND HIS TURKEY PORTRAIT,
TOM STEYER.( LAUGHTER )
STIER– STIER– SOME PEOPLE HERE WERE CHILDREN ONCE. STEYER HAS SPENT OVER
$50 MILLION OF HIS OWN MONEY ON HIS CAMPAIGN SO FAR AND IS
STILL ONLY POLLING AT 1.2%. AT A RECENT EVENT, HE WAS ASKED
ABOUT HIS LOW ODDS OF WINNING THE NOMINATION. HERE’S WHAT HE SAID:
>>I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO SOUND A LITTLE STRANGE, KENNA. I DON’T WANT TO BE PRESIDENT.( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: HAVE I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FOR YOU.

100 thoughts to “Mike Bloomberg, With His Imperfect Record, Believes He Can Become President”

  1. "Now this week, the Democratic field picked up yet another candidate…"
    …because one thing we, apparently, were running short on was candidates! 🤷

  2. I know you get a lot of negative feedback, of which, I was a part from time to time, but I just wanted to let you know, the quality of your skits has gone up quite a bit. The little changes you've made have made a noticeable difference, and I wanted to let you guys and gals know I appreciate it. Good work!

  3. Hey, we may as well try having a billionaire in the oval office. We haven't had one of those yet. Oh, you thought ttump is one of those? In his dreams. ttump is all mouth when it comes to his worth but hides the written in "proof" of how "really rich" he is. This born LOSER can turn a sow's ear into s##t…and has done so on numerous occasions in bankruptcy court.

  4. the fact that biden is still leading in alot of states makes me think this country still doesnt deserve bernie. if you guys mess up again, there is no hope for you.. then the only way left will be the hard way. and if you think youre having it hard right now.. you will learn. the hard way.

  5. I was stuck at home! I don't know about others, but the road to my sister's house was fucking closed due to the snowstorm. Alright, alright, I AM from the "Frozen Tundra" – AKA Montana.

  6. Three Billionaires, Tom Steyer, Michael Bloomberg running for office, and current Presidant Donald Trump, way to represent your voters, America.

  7. He would run as a Demonrat, as, the true racist projectionists, DEMOCRATS, will need him to deploy thier true colors, through him.

  8. I'll build a school for 300 blind/deaf children in Africa for $1 million dollars. This shouldn't be a problem for a billionaire so I'll be expecting to see you within the week.

  9. Can anyone please explain the "holding up the stocking and filling them with gravey joke for me? Am not a native.

  10. Bloomberg and Biden are good, But Warren and Bernie are the best choices to crush Trumpf and return oue country on the right course! if Bloomberg wants to hep … he coould help pay Democrat advertising!

  11. Bloomberg paid his way to become mayor twice because he actually lost the people's vote. But hey sometimes money breaks some people's morals.

  12. Awww, Stephen. You help put the bandaids on my sanity after Trumplethinskin and his Cult 45 have played hell with reality all day.
    "Bernie took to the dance floor and was truly adorable. Bernie, just because you had heart trouble, it doesn't give you the right to melt mine."
    Bernie isn't the only one melting hearts. I adore you, Mr Colbert.

  13. If anyone votes for this nazi should have their voting privileges revoked. If hes president all your rights go out the window. In nyc they stop anyone and search them , I have been searched just for walking into the subway and I'm a professional white middle aged male (only saying this because I dont look sketchy in any way just a normal looking guy ) In nyc for awhile they would not allow you to buy a soda over 20 oz. Imagine what he will try as president.

  14. These billionaires don't need to be president to help the economy. Their intentions is to pay less to their workers and profit more to keep them rich simple as that.

  15. Bernie Sanders is the people’s choice candidate despite all the bad press he gets. The problem is older people still rely on the mainstream media for news of which all are bought and paid for by corporations.

  16. the republican gang is the epitome of the dark triad – narcissists, Machiavelianists, and psychopaths – democracy vs the dark triad is what the 2020 election is about – VOTE VOTE VOTE!

  17. I don’t understand why Mr Bloomberg is running for president, when he can’t even appear on the debate stage since he’s not accepting donations…

  18. this is not a comedy show. this guy is little girl who just got her candy taken and now wouldn't stop crying. pathetic LOSER

  19. Bernie dancing with another man? Definitely part of the left's agenda. Trump's behavior is the result of Xlimate Xhange.

  20. My number 1 concern is beating Trump. Bloomberg knows more about Trump than anyone else on the dems list of nominees. He is richer than Trump and has been in a position for years to know more than Trump wants u to know about Trumps business practices. I definitely think he would be able to get the attention of those who refuse to even listen to the other candidates. Stop and frisk was a horrible policy and no one can deny that but if, as time goes by, Bloomberg ends up having the best ideas for the country then we might want to sit up at attention
    Bloomberg also has been very involved with helping with climate change and better gun laws and many things that the progressives find most important. Bloomberg resume is worth digging into and he definitely could change some of the minds of those who r on the fence. If by chance he wins the nomination and picks a VP with an agenda that mirrors the policies of Warren or Sanders the Democrats wld win. Don't under estimate Bloomberg.

  21. Not one of the dem candidates can beat Trump. Trump is a good president. Rich Hollywood fake comedians know they can sway a few idiots to believe them. LOL #whathappenedtocomedy

  22. Why would any sane person want to be the president. It's a job you are going to lose at. Nothing any president does is not going to balance the budget. It is simply impossible. And most everyone wants to fight against any thing the president does. Obama added about 10 trillion to the debt so he did not help America one bit. Any person who wins in 2020 will not help America but only borrow more and more money until the bubble burst and then maybe sooner than you think SHTF STARTS.

  23. Bloomberg’s policies actually lowered crime significantly. Before he was mayor you could walk down the streets and get robbed. If you were a girl you would get raped during a certain time of day. There were plenty of hookers on the street not to say there aren’t right now. After Bloomberg retired from office, I got a gun pointed at my head twice 2016 and 2017. Both times were by young Latino teens around 15-20yrs old . These kids wouldn’t be carrying around guns near their crotch so casually if there was a high chance they would be caught.

  24. When Bloomberg left office as mayor:
    1. City had surplus of billions of dollars
    2. Low crime rate
    3. Working subway system

    After Bloomberg left:
    1. City went into deficit
    2. Significant subway delays every single day

    If you read up on forest hill high, kids are smoking pot and vaping in school casually. There aren’t any consequences anymore so there is no order anymore. Stop and frisk may even target some innocent people but statistically a significant amount of people who did crime in NYC are from poorer backgrounds. Stop and frisk applied to everyone, it just happened that there were more Latino and blacks compared to whites in the ghettos of NY

  25. If usa counted the popular or human VOTE
    bernie would take the election but berny is 2 good the criminals will find a way 2 get him out ?satan&wife mitch&nancy run congress OR VOTE 4 the $$$

  26. I don't want to be president but Wow there's so much money to be made if you're ready to be bought by Goldman Sachs!

  27. Steyer and Bloomberg are campaigning hard to lose the Popular vote, and somehow win the Presidency. If Donald can do it then any billionaire can! Donald Trump, a billionaire's hope.

  28. I love you. You are my TV crush ….. BUT you need a new social media manager. You are the only show that doesn’t posts the next morning. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn’t. Seth Meyers team is on it. Jimmy Kimmel’s too (also Fallon’s but I don’t like his show). You are the best late night show! Please replace your PR group in charge of your social media. You are falling behind.

  29. yo Tom Siter next time you don't want to be president how about you just give me 15 million dollars I promise once you do you will have absolutely zero percent chance of becoming president ever ya know kind of like what you have right now

  30. Wait, did Colbert just focus the senile jokes on the candidate actually displaying such, rather than Bernie? About damn time.

  31. It doesn't matter if your president is a milionaire or billionaire, America, because you have been living in a Plutocracy for decades and it's got nothing to do with your president's net worth.

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