Donsplaining | The Daily Show

Donsplaining | The Daily Show


male announcer:
From Comedy Central’s

World News Headquarters
in New York…

“The Daily Show
with Trevor Noah” presents:

“Donsplaining.”
– Do I hit the ball good?
Do I hit it long?
Is Trump strong?
People don’t know it.
Nobody knows what that means.
Right? He knows what
I’m talkin’ about.
[light music]
– Last night President Trump
was at another campaign rally.
This time in Tampa,
and, once again,
he said something
that left us going, “Huh?”
– The time has come
for voter ID like
everything else.
Voter ID.
[cheers and applause]
You know if you go out
and you want to buy groceries,
you need
a picture on a card.
You need ID.
You go out and you want
to buy anything
you need ID and you need
your picture.
[laughter]
– Something tells me
this guy
has never been
grocery shopping.
Like ever.
He probably tried it once,
but the first thing you see
when you walk in
is the produce aisle
so he just walked
right back out.
He was like,
“Ew, vegetables. Gross.
“Oh, ‘gross-eries,’
I get it now.
One day I’ll be president!”
[sprightly music]
– If you have a windmill
anywhere near your house,
congratulations, your house
just went down 75% in value.
And they say the noise
causes cancer.
You told me that one, okay?
[imitates wonky cranking]
[laughter]
– Okay, I’ve never heard
a windmill before,
but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t
sound like a cat in a dryer.
“Weow, weow.
“And don’t get me started
on solar panels–
“[imitates cartoonish
wolf howl]
“And what about hydropower?
You know the sound water makes.
[imitates horse neighing,
galloping]”
[cheery music]
– China and the United States
are in a faceoff,

a battle for the ages.
Whoever controls 5G
is gonna have

an enormous strategic
advantage in the future.

– If we don’t win
the race to 5G,
America might never
really become
that leading superpower again.
– Senator Marco Rubio
compares the race to 5G

to the space race
with the Soviets of the ’50s.

– Yeah, this is serious, folks,
and I know right now
what you’re thinking.
You’re like, “Oh, my God,
I can’t believe America
might lose the race for 5G.”
And you’re also thinking,
“What is 5G?”
Now, I know it’s weird.
5G sounds like the worst seats
to get on a long flight,
but…
5G’s really about the future
of the internet, really.
Actually, why don’t I just let
the president
explain it to you.
– It’s all about 5G now.
We were at 4G and everybody
was saying we have to get 4G,
and then they said
before that we have to get 3G.
And now we have to get 5G
and 5G’s a big deal,
and that’s gonna be there
for a while.
And I guess,
at some point,
we’ll be talking to you
about number 6.
What do you think?
You think that’s true, Asia?
– Uh, okay.
I don’t think the president
understands what 5G is either.
[as Trump]
“You got–you got 5G
“then 6G and then of course
there’s Kenny G,
the smoothest of the Gs.”
[elegant classical music]
Some exciting news for people
who do not like dying
in a plane crash.
– Breaking news:
President Trump says
the United States will issue
an emergency order
grounding all
Boeing 737 Max As
after reviewing evidence from
the Ethiopian airline’s crash.
The U.S. is essentially
the very last country
to ban the aircraft
from flying.
Here’s the president.
– Any plane currently
in the air
will go to its destination
and thereafter be grounded
until further notice
so, uh,
planes that are in the air
will be grounded…
if they are the 737 Max–
will be grounded
upon landing
at the destination.
– Can we appreciate
how cute he is
when he’s trying to explain
something to us
that somebody had to explain
to him five minutes ago?
He’s like, “All the airplanes
will be grounded,
“but not the ones flying, um…
“They can land first,
then they will be grounded.
“Um, some people didn’t
understand
“how you can ground
a plane in the sky,
“but I’m not those people.
I knew always.
Those ones will be grounded.”
So as of today,
any plane that might be unsafe
to fly
will be grounded
until it can be repainted
with “Spirit Airlines”
on the side.
Spirit Airlines:
how are we not grounded?
[graceful classical music]
This has been a wild week
for the Trump presidency,
making it the 124th
wild presidency week in a row.
It started a few days ago
when Trump averted a crisis
of his own making
by deciding
not to impose tariffs
on Mexico
because he said
he made a deal.
However, critics pointed out
that many of the things
that Mexico promised to do
to stop illegal immigration
were the same promises
that they had made
months before,
but then Trump came back
saying that he had
a secret deal with Mexico,
which no one believed.
So yesterday he did this.
[helicopter whirring]
– Can you show us?
– What is that–
– That’s the agreement that
everyone says I don’t have.
So–no, because
I’m gonna let Mexico
do the announcement
at the right time.
For Mexico, they want
to go through it,
but here’s the agreement.
It’s a very simple agreement.
– Okay, okay.
There are two possibilities
here.
And neither of them are good.
Either the president
just whipped out a takeout menu
and claimed it’s
a secret agreement with Mexico,
which it could be,
or it’s a real agreement
and the president
is just walking around
with secret documents
in his pocket.
Right, the same guy
who was worried
about Hillary’s server
getting hacked by Russians,
meanwhile he could get hacked
by a gust of wind.
Or even worse,
a pigeon.
‘Cause he’d just be like,
“And here it is,
“the secret document
“that–ah! Stop that pigeon!
“Stop that pigeon!
It’s headed to the Kremlin.”
♪ ♪
announcer: “Donsplaining.”
announcer: “Donsplaining.”
[light music]
– With all the support
behind him,
President Trump decided
to plow forward
on proving his case
for a border wall.
So today,
the commander in chief
put on his travel
Barbie outfit

and flew down
to the southern border

to get a first-hand account
of the situation,

and while he was there
he gave us all
a drunk history lesson.

– They say a wall
is medieval.
Well, so is a wheel.
A wheel is older
than a wall.
And I looked,
and every single car out there,
even the really
expenses ones
that the secret service
uses,
and, believe me,
they are expensive–
I said, “Do they all
have wheels?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.
I thought
it was medieval.”
The wheel is older
than the wall,
you know that?
And, uh,
there are some things
that work.
You know what?
A wheel works,
and a wall works.
– You know,
if a football player
got up after a tackle
and started talking like that,
the trainer would be like,
“We need to get you
to the locker room now.
Your brain is not okay.”
[laughter, applause]
And just, by the way,
I don’t even–
I can’t believe
we have to say this–
if there are any kids watching
that are gonna use this
on a history test
walls are actually
much
older
than the wheel, right?
6,000 years older
than the wheel.
[cheers and applause]
Like, back in the day,
cavemen had walls.
So I guess people should stop
calling Trump a Neanderthal
because a Neanderthal
would know that.
#NotMyNeanderthal.
President Trump is demanding
$5 billion
from U.S. taxpayers
to fund the wall,
which is weird,
because during the campaign
he might have mentioned
once or twice
another idea
for where the wall money
would come from.
– I will build
a great, great wall
on our southern border
and I will have Mexico
pay for that wall.
[overlapping] Mexico is going
to pay for the wall.
Mexico is going
to pay for the wall
100%.
Who’s gonna pay for the wall?
crowd: Mexico!
The only thing worse
than one Trump
is many Trumps.
“Mexico’s gonna pay for it.”
That was Trump’s
signature catchphrase.
More than
any other catchphrase.
More than “you’re fired.”
More than
“make America great again.”
Even more than “Don’t tell
my wife about this.”
But we never should have
actually believed
that Mexico was going to pay
for the wall,
because every time
someone asked Trump
how Mexico would pay
he had a completely different
explanation.
– There will be a payment.
It will be in a form,
perhaps a complicated form.
One way or the other, Mexico’s
gonna pay for the wall.
That’s right.
It may be through
reimbursement,
but one way or the other,
Mexico will pay for the wall.
The wall will pay for itself
on a monthly basis.
We’re working
on a tax-reform bill
that will generate revenue
from Mexico
that will pay for the wall.
We have a trade deficit
with Mexico
of $58 billion.
All I have to do
is start playing
with that trade deficit,
and believe me, they’re gonna
pay for the wall.
They may even write us a check
by the time
they see what happen.
Obviously, they’re not
gonna write a check.
It’s gonna be paid for
by Canada by the way.
It’s gonna be paid for–
maybe I’ll get Canada to pay.
Gonna be paid for by Mexico.
– Wait, what?
You know, Donald Trump
is truly a legend.
Instead of admitting
that he misspoke,
he’d rather try and make Canada
pay for the wall.
He’s just like,
“Yeah, Canada’s gonna pay–
“I mean–yeah, actually
Canada’s gonna pay
I might make them pay
for the wall.”
And shame. Canada’s so nice,
they’d probably do it.
They’d be like, “Um,
this is not really ‘aboot’ us
but I guess we’ll pay, eh?”
Also, what did that mean
when he’s like,
“The wall will pay for itself
monthly”?
He made it sound like America
was gonna go to the wall
and be like,
“You got our money, wall?”
[spirited music]
Since just yesterday
the president has given
not one
not five, but three
separate interviews
Now, I don’t know why
I said it that way
but what’s important
is that President Trump
has been sharing his thoughts
on a variety of topics,
including his favorite
Chinese hoax,
climate change.
– Yesterday,
when the Associated Press

told him that scientist say
it is nearing a point
where this can’t be reversed,

Trump responded, “No, no.
“Some say that and some say
differently.

“I mean, you have scientists
on both sides of it.

“My uncle was
a great professor

“at MIT for many years.
Dr. John Trump.
“And I didn’t talk to him
about this particular subject

but I have a natural instinct
for science…”

– Okay.
Okay, that’s…
that’s interesting.
Just in case you missed that,
Trump says
he doesn’t believe
in man-made climate change
because his uncle
was a scientist
and that means that Trump
has a natural instinct
for science.
Now, he also says he never
spoke to his uncle
about climate change.
He just has
the science knowledge.
You know, it’s in his blood.
Right? Now, I think
that’s cholesterol
but that’s not the point.
Like, none of this makes
any sense.
Just because his uncle
was good at science
doesn’t mean that Trump
is good at science.
That’s not how it works.
If a pilot has a heart attack,
they’re never like,
“Is anyone on this plane
related to a pilot?”
“My cousin watched
that ‘Sully’ movie once.”
“All right,
you land the plane!”
– President Trump explaining
why he is so skeptical
of his own administration’s
report
on the dire consequences
on climate change.
He tells “The Washington
Post”…
– Clearly the president
doesn’t believe
in the science
or the English
because if you’re trying
to say
you’re too smart
to believe in climate change,
it doesn’t help
when your argument ends with
“It’s right now
at a record clean.”
Like, it makes him sound
super dumb.
Or maybe–maybe Trump is
so intelligent
that he’s leaving
English behind.
Maybe that’s what it is.
Yeah.
He’s developing something
totally new.
You know,
he’s like those aliens
from the movie “Arrival.”
Like, we just need Amy Adams
to interpret for us.
– [breathing slowly]
– There is a cooling
and there’s a heating.
They go, “Global warming.”
They go, “Climate change.”
They go–now it’s sort
of–I hear a lot of
extreme weather.
If it’s cold, it’s okay.
If it’s hot, it’s okay.
If it’s windy, if it’s hot,
if–everything’s extreme.
Trust me, I’m like
a smart person.
– She was trying.
She was really trying.
[elegant classical music]
♪ ♪
With Hurricane Florence
barreling
toward the east coast,
everyone is preparing
for the worst.
– We have something–
it could be very well
very similar to Texas
in the sense that it’s
tremendous amounts of water.
It’s tremendously big
and tremendously wet.
[laughter]
Mm.
So elegant.
So, so, so elegant.
Trump sounds like he’s doing
a book report
on hurricanes,
and he forgot to read the book.
He’s like, “Tremendously big
and tremendously wet.
“Uh–oh, and a lot of people
don’t know this.
“The rain is coming
from the top,
from the top,
high up.”
♪ ♪
announcer: “Donsplaining.”
announcer: “Donsplaining.”
[light music]
♪ ♪
[rousing, mysterious music]
♪ ♪
– Thank you so much
for doing this.
– It’s great to be here today.
– So what are we gonna learn
about today?
– Our first Republican
president,

Abraham Lincoln,
ran his first campaign
for public office in 1832
when he was only 23 years old.
He began by imagittering–
[music slows, stops]
– I’m sorry, “imagitting?”
– Imagittering the benefits
a railroad could bring

to his port of Illinois
without ever having seen
a steam-powered train.
He had no idea.
30 years later,
as president,

Lincoln signed the law
that built

the first transcontinental
railroad,

uniting our country
from ocean to ocean.
Great president.
Most people don’t even know
he was a Republican, right?

Does anyone know?
Lot of people
don’t know that.

– I knew,
but yeah, sure.
[cannon fires]
– And then,
in the American Civil War,

a true great fighter
and a great general,
Robert E. Lee.

– Oh, we’re learning
about him now? Okay.
– Robert E. Lee
was winning battle

after battle, after battle.
– [groans]
[both groan]
[gunfire]
– And I’ll tell you why.
Abraham Lincoln came home.
He said, “I can’t beat
Robert E. Lee.”

And he had all
of his generals.

They looked great.
They were the top
of their class at West Point.

They were the greatest people.
There’s only one problem.
They didn’t know how the hell
to win.

They didn’t know how to fight.
They didn’t know how.
And one day…
[paper thuds]
it was looking really bad.
And Lincoln just said,
“you.”
Hardly knew his name.
And they said,
“Don’t take him.

He’s got a drinking problem.”
And Lincoln said, “I don’t
care what problem he has.

You guys aren’t winning.”
♪ ♪
And his name was Grant.
General Grant.

[crowd cheering]
It’s unbelievable, isn’t it?
Isn’t it unbelievable?
[crowd clapping, cheering]
It’s unbelievable.
♪ ♪
And he went in and he knocked
the hell out of everyone.

♪ ♪
– [yelling]
– And you know the story.
They said to Lincoln,
“You can’t use him anymore.
He’s an alcoholic.”
And Lincoln said,
“I don’t care
if he’s an alcoholic.

Frankly, give me six or seven
more just like him.”

– [retches]
– Grant really did.
He had a serious problem.

A serious drinking problem.
But, man, was he
a good general.

And he’s finally
being recognized

as a great general.
– Sure is, yeah.
♪ ♪
– Grant figured it out,
and Grant is a great general.

[crowd cheering]
Ulysses S. Grant.
– [swallows, burps]
[bright music]
– American rapper A$AP Rocky
has been detained
by Swedish police
for his involvement
in a suspected assault,
and now he spends
almost three weeks in jail.
Now, luckily for A$AP,
he has some powerful friends
lobbying for his release.
And this is not like
the usual hashtag stuff.
No, these friends
have gone straight to the top.
– A host of celebrities have
been calling for his release,
including Kanye West
and Kim Kardashian,

who have been lobbying
the White House,

and now President Trump
is using the weight

of his office to get
A$AP Rocky out of jail.

– I personally don’t know
A$AP Rocky,
but I can tell you
that his tremendous support

from the African American
community in this country–

and when I say
African American,
I think I can really say
from everybody in this country
because we’re all one.
[laughter]
[as Trump]
“That’s right, folks.
“We’re all one.
“And anyone who doesn’t agree
with that
“can go back
to their shithole country.
“Send her back!
“Send her back.
Done.”
[applause]
You know, this is one
of those moments
where I generally
cannot believe
that we’re living
in real life.
No, because just–like,
listen to the story.
Donald Trump,
who is the president
of the United States,
got a call from his friend,
Kanye West,
to save a rapper
from a Swedish prison.
This sounds like a headline
written
by a newspaper on LSD.
It’s just like
the craziest shit ever.
What’s also insane,
just by the way,
is how, like,
powerful Kanye West is
in this situation.
It’s almost like he uses
his MAGA hat like a magic lamp.
He just, like, rubs it
and then Trump comes out.
He’s like, “What do you need?”
“Got another problem.
I need your help.”
♪ ♪
announcer: “Donsplaining.”
announcer: “Donsplaining.”
[light music]
– Lost in translation.
2020 Democrats trying to lure
Hispanic voters

with Spanish websites
and evidently these websites
are really missing the mark.

– Amy Klobuchar’s
Spanish website
has a number of mistakes,
and we’ll begin here
with a translation

that talks about
her announcing her run

from inside
the Mississippi River.

Kamala Harris’ website
here says

“Kamala Harris wasted her life
defending the values
of her country.”

– And I don’t even know why
Fox News is laughing
at this, right?
Of all the people,
they can’t laugh
because, I mean,
if they watched their boy Trump
a few days ago,
they would have seen him
struggling
to translate English
into English.
– No collusion, no obstruction.
I hope they now go and take
a look at the oranges.
The oranges of the, uh, uh,
investigation–the beginnings
of that investigation.
The Mueller report
I wish covered
the oranges of how it started.
[laughter, applause]
I like how…
I like how he goes away
from the word “oranges”
at the beginning, right?
At the beginning, he’s like,
“Oh, let’s–the beginnings,
the beginnings.”
And then he gets confident.
He’s like,
“No, no, I got this.
“Oranges–God damn it!
“God damn it. The origins.
The oranges.”
Can you imagine
if you’re an immigrant
who learned English
from listening to Donald Trump?
You wouldn’t make any sense.
Like, if you spoke like Trump,
you probably wouldn’t pass
your citizenship test, right?
Someone would be there like,
“The oranges of America
have inspired me bigly.”
They’d be like, “Sir,
your citizenship is denied.”
“Oh, come on,
don’t be a covfefe, ah?”
♪ ♪
announcer: “Donsplaining.”

100 thoughts to “Donsplaining | The Daily Show”

  1. The world is laughing at the people who laugh at these jokes. Or rather patronizingly sneers.
    But in all reality, Europeans at least can't understand how the media succeeded in hiding the highly probable corruption of the father-and-son team and concentrated on the "crime"!!! of the president asking another president to investigate the visible corruption.

  2. trump will do anything to win in 2020..he knows if he loses that the new york state AG will be so deep up his fat orange ass he'll feel the tip of her shoe when he combs that ferret he calls hair.

  3. That immigrant English test had me flipped over laughing. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚inspired me biggly

  4. This show is hillarious, wait a minute, did hillary clinton made this showπŸ€”???, now i know why this show hates trump so much…

  5. "My uncle is good at science"

    Equivalent to saying you know how to become a billionaire and code stuff because your cousin works at Microsoft

  6. Satan Hillary has 45 people murdered all closely connected to Hillarys scams drug dealing ..gun running
    Colbert Noah Stewart…CNN Zionist MSM all lick the murderers arse

  7. it just sucks how the richest country of the world has the dumbest president …..like TRUMP is the one representing america internationally …..

  8. I never understood how trump could be worried about Hillary's computer getting hacked while at the same time telling Russia in a televised speech to hack Democratic computers?!

    He was asking Russia to do it, but ready to blame the Dems if it happened!
    Wth?
    You, and trump, must be mentally ill to think that makes sense.

  9. Trump is dividing a nation that needs the two parties to compromise for the American people's benefit. Trump supporters understand this…. worldwide trade is pivotal to "world economics" what Trump has failed to exercise is the fact, he has zero interest in economical structures in the US or worldwide. Unfortunately, educational programs and services are dwindling…Also Republicans control has been the catalyst for the VA… once a democratic president takes office… they are to blame. But those individuals failed to exercise their right to read a US history book(middle school and highschool book) and understand. Our VA needs more information on Social Service benefits… and extra help (and free) for the service they provided… perhaps the millionaires and billionaires should help out!.. wait tax them like I get taxed… 65k plus…
    Why is the middle class footing the taxes..

    – yes I am a millennial that takes care of my grandmother and pay for her household bills….. I pay for everything. Unfortunately I am not a lazy millennial.
    -πŸ‘Œ

  10. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ you get that wanna be president every time! Run for president, Trevor. You have my vote!!

  11. 3:00 the black guy, in the back, on the right, with the white hard hat on just couldn't contain his laughter… smh… LOL

  12. 1:23 Despite some untrue claims like "cancer," Trump is right about the ugliness & noise of industrial wind turbines. The big, sprawling ones (lots of oil needed) are the most environmentally hypocritical technology ever invented. Have a look at this so-called "beauty" as it destroys mountains, much like coal mines: http://google.com/search?tbm=isch&q=wind+farm+mountain

  13. i love the one with the piece of paper purporting to be about mexico promises (5:18)…reminds me, again, of The Manchurian Candidate
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ktg1kO7Z5Y

  14. Its funny because im taking world history this year and we are learning about the invention of the wheel. We just got done with different species of hominids. Now we are doing city-states and Mesopotamia.

  15. Don still thinks that Pence is the White House morning chocolate cake server and takes care of watering the plants."Yeah, hey Whitey, more coffee on this end of the table!"

  16. Even though I know Trump is a pathological liar, I feel dumber listening to him speak than watching a β€œBeavis & Butthead” marathon.

  17. I'm sorry but I can't help it I like Trump he's funny. And this is coming from a mixed female. I also am not afraid to admit that I just live life and work my ass off so I don't pay attention to politics. #trumpyourfunnyandilikeit

  18. This show obviously shows that America is divided against itself! You can't come on National πŸ“Ί TV in most countries & "wash down" a President even if he was a minor! Little wonder why China is speedily progressing!

  19. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£

  20. what a idiot trump is my god how the actual freak he did got elected lord help us like really only lord can help us literally πŸ˜‚

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