Devin Nunes Refuses To Answer Questions About His Trip To Vienna


WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TO “THE LATE SHOW.” EVERYBODY, ALL OUR VIEWERS AND
LISTENERS AROUND THE WORLD. I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANKSGIVING IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER, BUT IMPEACHMENT IS STILL
THE BIG STORY. SO BIG, IN FACT, THAT THIS YEAR
AT THE PARADE, THE TRANSCRIPT OF TRUMP’S UKRAINE CALL IS GOING
TO BE ONE OF THE BALLOONS. ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH. YOU’VE GOT TO IMAGINE THIS THING
WILL NOT GO AWAY. IT LOOKS LIKE IT’S GOING TO HEAD
TO AN IMPEACHMENT VOTE. YOU KNOW THIS HAS BEEN STRESSFUL
FOR TRUMP. SO THIS AFTERNOON, TRUMP
WELCOMED AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL: CONAN, THE HERO DOG FROM
THE AL-AGHDADI RAID. I’M SURPRISED HE DIDN’T GIVE
CONAN HIS FAMOUS SPORTS TEAM WELCOME. BECAUSE A DOG IS REALLY THE ONLY
ONE WHO’D TRULY APPRECIATE A TABLE OF COLD HAMBURGERS. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT TRUMP MADE SURE TO TREAT
CONAN LIKE A HERO.>>WE JUST GAVE CONAN A MEDAL
AND A PLAQUE AND IT’S REALLY– AND I ACTUALLY THINK CONAN KNEW
EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING ON.>>Stephen: YEAH, FOR SURE. CONAN KNEW
EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING ON WHICH IS WHY THE DOG HAS
RELEASED THE MEMOIR “A-PAW-LLING: MY RUFF TIME IN
THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE. HE’S NOT A GOOD BOY. BY CONAN T. HERODOG”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEN, IT BECAME OBVIOUS THAT
TRUMP DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TYPE OF DOG CONAN IS.>>I LEARNED A LOT ABOUT THIS
PARTICULAR TYPE OF DOG. A DOG THAT IS– VERY, VERY
SPECIAL. AND WE COULD MAYBE SAY… MIKE
MAYBE YOU CAN SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE– TYPE OF DOG? THEY’RE VERY HARD TO GET! THIS PARTICULAR DOG. THIS TYPE OF DOG. EXACTLY. BECAUSE IT’S A CERTAIN TYPE OF
DOG. ( LAUGHTER )
>>STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) “I LOVE THIS TYPE OF DOG, IT’S A
SPECIAL TYPE, A CERTAIN TYPE, MY THIRD FAVORITE AFTER ‘HOT’ AND
‘CORN’… WAIT, DOES CHILI COUNT?”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND HERE — AND IS A HOT DOG A
SANDWICH? THAT’S THE QUESTION. TRUMP EVEN MENTIONED THE SPECIAL
TREATMENT THEY GAVE CONAN AT THE WHITE HOUSE:
>>CONAN DID A FANTASTIC JOB. AND, UH, WE ARE VERY HONORED TO
HAVE CONAN HERE AND TO HAVE GIVEN CONAN A CERTIFICATE AND
AN AWARD THAT WE’RE GOING TO PUT UP IN THE WHITE HOUSE.>>STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
“WE ALSO GAVE CONAN A BEGGIN’ STRIP. WE’RE KEEPING THAT IN THE WHITE
HOUSE TOO, ‘CAUSE I ATE IT. YOU KNOW, IT REALLY DOES TASTE
LIKE BACOOOON!” BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, CONGRESS’S IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY IS TAKING THE WEEK OFF. I ASSUME TO SPEND MORE TIME
DIVIDING YOUR FAMILY. BUT THERE’S STILL PLENTY OF
UKRAINE NEWS AND I’LL CATCH YOU UP IN TONIGHT’S “DON AND THE
GIANT IMPEACH.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>BOY, OH BOY, THINGS ARE NOT GOING WELL.>>STEPHEN: ONE OF THE GREAT
THINGS ABOUT WATCHING THE RULE OF LAW CRUMBLE IS ALL THE
INTERESTING PEOPLE WE’VE MET ALONG THE WAY. NONE MORE INTERESTING THAN RUDY
GIULIANI’S UKRAINIAN BUDDIES, LEV PARNAS AND IGOR FRUMAN–
A.K.A. TWEEDLE DEE AND TWEEDLE “GONNA TAKE YOUR THUMB.” ON FRIDAY, WE LEARNED THAT
PARNAS HAS SOME DIRT ON RANKING MEMBER OF THE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE
COMMITTEE, AND MAN SEEN HERE WITH HIS ONLY FRIEND, CHAIR,
DEVIN NUNES. ACCORDING TO HIS LAWYER, PARNAS
IS READY TO TESTIFY TO CONGRESS THAT, IN LATE 2018, NUNES FLEW
TO VIENNA TO MEET WITH DISGRACED FORMER UKRAINIAN PROSECUTOR,
VIKTOR SHOKIN, TO GET DIRT ON BIDEN. SO, ACCORDING TO PARNAS, THE TOP
REPUBLICAN INVESTIGATING WHETHER TRUMP TRIED TO GET DIRT ON
BIDEN, TRIED TO GET DIRT ON BIDEN. IT REMINDS ME OF THE CHILDREN’S
CLASSIC “NANCY DREW AND THE CASE OF THE MAN MURDERED BY NANCY
DREW.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, “THE DAILY BEAST” AND CNN BROKE THIS STORY. WHEN CNN ASKED NUNES FOR COMMENT
HE SAID, “TO BE PERFECTLY CLEAR, I DON’T ACKNOWLEDGE ANY
QUESTIONS FROM YOU IN THIS LIFETIME OR THE NEXT LIFETIME.” WOW. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
DID YOU HEAR THAT, CNN? IN HIS NEXT LIFETIME. YOU WILL NOT BE GETTING ANY
ANSWERS FROM NUNES’ NOW OR WHEN HE IS REINCARNATED. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT THESE ARE JUST ALLEGATIONS. WE DON’T KNOW WHETHER NUNES
ACTUALLY WENT TO VIENNA– IS WHAT I’VE BEEN TOLD TO SAY BY
CBS’ LAWYERS. ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE WHEN NUNES FINALLY DID COMMENT, HE THREATENED TO SUE
THE JOURNALISTS INVOLVED, LYING “THESE DEMONSTRABLY FALSE AND
SCANDALOUS STORIES PUBLISHED BY ‘THE DAILY BEAST’ AND CNN
ARE THE PERFECT EXAMPLE OF DEFAMATION AND RECKLESS
DISREGARD FOR THE TRUTH.” “AND I OUGHT TO KNOW. ‘CAUSE I’M THE LEBRON JAMES OF
RECKLESSLY DISREGARDING THE TRUTH. IN FACT, I AM LEBRON JAMES.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO TO PROVE THE STORY IS FALSE, NUNES WENT ON WITH MARIA
BARTIROMO AND ALMOST ANSWERED A QUESTION:
>>BOTTOM LINE, WERE YOU IN VIENNA WITH SHOKIN?>>YEAH, SO, LOOK, MARIA, I
REALLY WANT TO ANSWER ALL THESE QUESTIONS, AND I PROMISE YOU I
WILL COME BACK ON THE SHOW AND ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS.>>STEPHEN: METHINKS HE DOTH NOT
PROTESTETH ENOUGH. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S A SIMPLE QUESTION, DE-NOONS, “DID YOU GO TO VIENNA
OR NOT?” NOT ANSWERING DOES NOT MAKE YOU
LOOK INNOCENT. IT’S LIKE A HUSBAND COMING HOME
AT 3:00 AM AND HIS WIFE ASKS, “IS THAT LIPSTICK ON YOUR
COLLAR? BOTTOM LINE: ARE YOU CHEATING ON
ME?” AND HE REPLIES, “SO, LOOK,
HONEY, I REALLY WANT TO ANSWER ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND I
PROMISE YOU I WILL COME BACK AND ANSWER THEM JUST AS SOON AS THIS
SHIRT COMES BACK FROM THE CLEANERS.” ( LAUGHTER )
INFIDELITY! NO, NOT ME, THEY ARE. ACCORDING TO PARNAS’ LAWYER,
NUNES’ VIENNA TRIP HAPPENED LATE NOVEMBER, EARLY DECEMBER OF
2018. AND IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED
STORY, IN 2018, NUNES CLAIMED EXPENSES FOR A FOUR-DAY TRIP
TO EUROPE BETWEEN NOVEMBER 30 AND DECEMBER 3. ABRACA-DUM-DUM. HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO
FILE EXPENSE REPORTS ON A CRIME? “GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY IN THE
VAULT, AND COULD YOU VALIDATE MY PARKING?”
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU.

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